"Whenever you think you are giving it all you have, give just a little bit more"

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

New Year New ME??????

So far 2014 is bringing a lot of new adventures for our family. For most people I suppose they would like it. I hear a lot of people say new year new you, resolutions and such. However I've never been a fan of resolutions and I'm sure not a fan of anything being a new me. I like the old me. It took me a long time to get comfortable with being me why would I change? So naturally I was not looking for change and am very happy right now. I even thought last week.... wow I know my life isn't perfect but its about as close to perfect as it can get. That being said you can't ignore little pushes from the universe. When your husband calls you and says "hey Steve called and wanted to know if you'd be interested in coming back to work?" it makes you think.

How many times in your life do you get offered things? Sure I am very happy with my life right now but who says I won't be even happier with the change? Of course I have worries. Number one being my kids. I've been home with Chase since he was born, minus that two weeks that I thought I could send him to daycare; which ended in tears every day. I don't want to do anything that effects the boys lives it wouldn't be far. I don't NEED to go back to work. I am doing it to fulfill something for myself. So I don't want to do anything that makes them feel like they are getting less from their mom. I am really worried about the summer when I love spending every day on new adventures with them. I won't be able to volunteer at school anymore and I know they love having me there. I won't be there for every class party either. On the other side of it though maybe working will make me a better mom? I'll be honest there are days now when they are in school that I am completely bored. Which means by the end of the day I can be a bit testy. Best case scenario I will be a more attentive, nurturing, loving, fun mom because I will cherish every single moment I am home. When you are home all the time it gets easy to take it for granted. Being their mom is my number one job I want to be good at it. Nether one of them are very happy about it right now so I'm hoping time will prove to them it will still be ok.

Obviously my other concern is running. I still have a lot of goals to reach before I will be completely satisfied with what I've done. The marathon and me have some serious unfinished business and I'd like to lower my 10k as well as half times. After meeting with my new bosses yesterday I feel confident I can do both. They understand and are supportive of this crazy running dream so it will all come down to me and my dedication. I HATE mornings more than anything. Having the job will mean I am up at 5 and out doing my easy runs so I can get home and showered before I get the boys out of bed for school because that starts a whole new job. It also means my second run will be done after work when I'm just going to want to sit at home with the family. It doesn't seem like much but 35 minutes more away from them is hard for me when I'm at home I imagine its going to get harder when I'm not home. I'm telling myself on the flip side of this is better time management. I won't have a choice other than to get up get it done and go. No lolly gagging around the house wasting time. It'll mean get your ass moving and be more productive. Honestly it'll all come down to me. I know a lot of fabulous women who work and still kick ass. I can think of at least 4 on my own team that manage it. Sure adding in kids, work and running makes it seem like a lot but hey I like challenges!

Honestly there have been a lot of thoughts this last year of hmmm......I am almost 35 (yeah I will be 35 on the 19th. Holy hell I'm old) what am I gonna do with my life? Don't get me wrong running is great and fulfills part of me but I feel like my brain is going to mush. I spend my days talking to kids or figuring out splits. I need something to stimulate the brain, something to keep me social. There  are times we  go to gatherings and I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. I think its weird to talk about yourself.  So talking about running seems like you are full of yourself. Than there are the kids. Sure I love talking about them when we get together with friends but when you talk about them too much it also feels like bragging. Don't get me wrong I LOVE to brag about my kids but I can't stand people who do that all the time. Makes you feel like we are making our kids compete against each other when they don't even know it. Selfishly I need something for myself. Something that makes me feel like I'm contributing to the universe. This does not mean I think being "just a mom" isn't the hardest most rewarding job in the world. Being a mom is the hardest, most rewarding, exciting, fulfilling job there is but my kids are now 7 and 9. Mom is not needed nearly as much anymore. For the time being I will be home to drop them at school and than to pick them up from the neighbors as soon as they arrive. (Which I have to say I am the luckiest women ever. Ranisa is the greatest neighbor and friend a girl could have. I couldn't do most of what I do without her help. Plus my kids love her like another mom.) Sure there will be times I need to work more, later, at night whatever but for the most part the kids will still have me for all their needs.

So here is to 2014 the year of 35. The year of change for the women who absolutely runs from any sort of change. The year of being a better mom. The year of being a more dedicated runner. The year of....... gasp.......a new me. You never know how things will go if you don't try. So here we go. Time to jump off that cliff and hope the bungee doesn't break.